Queen of the Throne

A lot of people have a hang-up about letting loose in the public restroom. Take my brother for instance. We were sitting in Paparazzi as a family when he started to complain that he has to go number 2, which up until this point had never occurred in a public restroom. Much to our surprise we were able to coax him to go drop his nuggets off in the public porcelain. About ten minutes passed and out walked my brother pallor and shaken as he collapsed into our booth. Apparently he had chosen a stall in which to "sink his steep" but it was also the one with the broken lock.  So in walked the next guy and just as my brother was laying his first chocolate egg, his stall door swung open. "Sorry man," was all the guy said.

Another time, back in high school, I heard vassalva-maneuver-like sounds coming from the stall next to me.

(Valsalva's maneuver is a term that describes  the increase in pressure in the lower abdominal region due to the contraction of the diaphragm which occurs when you sneeze, guffaw, cough and defecate.)

Clearly the girl was doogying and she could care less. While I was washing my hands in walked the school troublemaker. Before there was any verbal exchange between us she looked at the noisy stall and shouted, "Eww, Poop at home!!" then looked at me with a smirk before she zipped out of the bathroom most likely leaving skid marks herself. As the dust was settling and the smell of burning rubber lingered I stood there jaw agape and eyes blinking as toilet flushed.

I've heard of girls falling into open seats, sitting on pee covered lids, realizing after the fact that there is an empty cylinder of cardboard but these things are all avoidable.The fact that you make noise when you poop is not.

So what is the solution?

Well, many have resorted to silent pooping.

All silent poopers follow these steps:

A. Decide to go to the restroom

B. Enter restroom and note stalls that are occupied
   
               I. Restroom is empty (go to step C)

               II. Restroom is occupied (go back to step A)


C. Choose stall

D. Poop

E. If someone walks in  time valsalva's maneuvers to coincide with the other people flushing the toilet, blow drying their hands, or pulling paper towels down.

F. Wait till all people have exited the bathroom before exiting your stall

G. Exit restroom

H. Let out sigh of relief.

Silent poopers also play the game "Queen of the throne". This happens after you've walked in, chosen a stall and gotten down to business but are then cut off by another person who also needs to poo. There is a terrible yet inevitable standoff that takes place. The woman who just walked in believes that the other will chicken out and leave at which point she will be able to do her business, while the original woman believes that the newcomer will realize there is already someone doing paperwork and will surrender by exiting the restroom to find another throne to conquer (step BII.) 

So the only way you're going to be able to let loose and take a load off was by being ok with making a little noise in the process.